Heart of the Family

It's everyone's favorite end of spring, beginning of summer weekend -- Memorial Day! 

This favorite weekend is all about camping, BBQs and an extra day off work. Well, not quite... It's a day of remembrance. It's a day to celebrate the lives of those that live on in your heart.

This weekend is significant - it's the 8 year anniversary of my maternal grandparents' memorial service and the first of the Jeffries clan's Dumping Festivities family adventures. 

My mom's parents passed away only a few days apart in February of my freshman year at college. It was a tough time for the family; but, we celebrated my grandparents per their orders... together over a Tour de Oregon vacation with several memorial ash dumping stops along the way. We had a joint memorial service at the church my grandfather had been a pastor at to start the weekend. We then made the journey to several places where my grandparents wanted to have their ashes spread. [A quick story on "spreading" those ashes below.] It was an amazing trip because we were surrounded by family and love the whole long weekend. And, how better to honor and remember my grandparents than on Memorial Day weekend. The weekend was truly about bringing the family together and sharing our love for one another. As appointed by my grandfather  and my aunts and uncle, I coordinated our memorial trip. It was my assigned and assumed role to be the "heart of the family;" to bring everyone together and to enjoy the gift of family -- joy, love and support. 

Less than 5 years later, play that story on repeat. But this time, we were brought together by Faith. My aunt passed away from cancer. Her battle with the disease was hard on everyone; it truly tested our strength and love. At my uncle's request, she stopped fighting. He was ready to move on, regardless of whether or not others were ready to see her end her battle with the disease so suddenly. We again did a family memorial Tour de Oregon in the early summer to celebrate her life and "spread" her ashes.

Our trip to celebrate Faith's life taught me a lot about family, my family in particular. I realized more than ever how much I valued a cohesive band of people. It opened my eyes and heart even more to the belief that family is not defined by "blood." I thank God for the relatives and family I have been blessed with. They are core to my life. But, I also know family is more about loving others unconditionally because you're invested in their happiness, success and growth as individuals. 

On Memorial Day, I don't only remember my mom's parents, Brad and Janet, and her sister, Faith. I also remember my Grandma BamBam. She's my dad's mom; she's named after her dead dog. Everyone in town called her "Grandma BamBam." It's even how the local newspaper referred to her in articles. She truly taught us to take the bull by the horns, embrace life, do what makes you happy and to be comfortable with being unique. She visited every single one of the Prosser grandkid's elementary classes to teach all the kiddos how to crow like Peter Pan. Taught us the names of the Seven Dwarfs. Made us learn to count backwards from 100 long before we were 5 by having us sing "100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall." And led the Clubhouse Gang on a journey to create our own adventures as we enjoyed Voodo juice, candy bars and pancakes. She also taught us and our friends all sorts of other important life lessons. After having a stroke a year before, she passed away a week after I started my first full-time, permanent job at Utah State. We celebrated her life exactly how she wanted -- a family gathering. No memorial service and no big hoopla. Everyone that could make it headed to Prosser for the weekend and spent time together. Next weekend we'll gather in Prosser again for my twin cousin's graduation and a family reunion. We'll remember Grandma BamBam by celebrating the joys and accomplishments of family and by being together -- just like she would want. 

[Spreading Ashes Story: I refer to our memorial trips as "Dumping Festivities." Festivities sounds like fun, which those trips were all about -- enjoying time together as a family. Trip doesn't do justice to the explanation of the adventure. Dumping, well, that's pretty self-explanatory. It doesn't matter what you do, there isn't really a graceful way to 'spread' ashes. And, we were not what you defined as 'classy.' 

We went to the Abiqua River by Silverton, Oregon as one of our stops to spread my grandpa's ashes. He wanted divided. How better to do that than with reused Philadelphia Cream Cheese containers?! Yea... You got it. We scooped out a container full of his ashes and took the plastic bag (in the urn-like container) with the rest of the ashes to hold over the river in the wind. Lucky for Faith and the rest of us, the wind was blowing in the opposite direction we were all standing. Then, when we got to stop number two, the Oregon Coast, we proceeded with our mission. My grandma wanted 'split' too. Again, my aunts took out another reused plastic food container. My grandpa wanted a part of him to be spread with grandma on the coast. What better way to achieve that than to literally mix the ashes in the plastic bag?! Like I said, we were the definition of something other than classy. Then, keep in mind, the constant Oregon Coast breeze... the sand and any ashes mixed in it on-shore will eventually make it to the ocean, right?! Well, that was the hope when the breeze caught some of the ashes.

Also, you don't actually spread ashes like fertilizer in a garden. You gently pour them in more or less one spot. Pouring plus not classy equals dumping. And fun adventure(s) equals festivities. Therefore, a Jeffries' clan memorial trip equals Dumping Festivities.]

This memorial day weekend was most   definitely focused on remembering loved ones no longer here. But, it was celebrated how they would want time spent -- enjoying life, spending time with those you care about and finding time to be with family. Next weekend will be Memorial Day round 2 of 2013 as we have Childers' Family Fun Fest 2.0 in Prosser. I and others will follow the direction of my mom's dad and be the "heart of the family." We will help everyone focus on enjoying the gift of family through joy, love and support. 

Lean In as an Example: Follow. Lead. Be.

After not being a reader for quite some time, I'm regaining an appreciation for time spent with my nose in a book. I just finished Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead." 

Ever read a book and think, "This is talking directly to me!"? This is the second book within six months that has invoked this thought. The first was Beaudine's "The Power of Who." Although I have some of my own tweeks to his thought process, I have believed his main concepts for a while. Before reading his book, I just couldn't grasp how to articulate my thoughts on mentoring, circles of relationships and roles of varying people in your life. No need for me to articulate it though, Beaudine did just fine. 

Then, there's "Lean In." I acknowledge there's issues with the gender complex in our societies and the world as a whole. It's a work in progress, which Sandberg articulates. But, through her words, I much more clear understanding for what was only a glimpse of understanding before. Her book and key points are made all the more powerful by research. I'm a number and figures gal. Per Persogenics, I'm dominant and analytical. Per DiSC, I'm conscientious and dominant. I'm that person that's grown up being told, "you're bossy" when I move forward with a well-formulated plan and refuse to sit on my hands or to be ordered around by boys. Regardless of my internal conflict, I try to move forward with confidence and stand my ground. Needless to say, how Sandberg presented leaning in through facts, figures, stories and personal accounts directly appealed to me and helped me to best learn and comprehend the concepts shared throughout her novel. 

I've thought about my goals - professionally and personally. In all my thinking and planning, both types of goals have been integral to one another. I already know, without a doubt, I want to be a working mom. I want to have a career and want my [future] kids to see me pursue work I'm passionate about. I also want them to be involved in my pursuits. I know I want to have kids and be a loving, involved parent that's unconditionally supportive. In the most ideal world, I would continue to career in college athletics as I raise kids. I will take them to sporting events, family media days, and the sorts. They will not be blind to the industry and career I pursue. But, on the same token, I'll be able to leave work at work so I can take them to their own practices, games, lessons, parties, etc. As Sandberg suggests though, I don't want to leave before I leave. I want to allow flexibility to my plan that may change drastically. I want to be fully invested until I'm on my way to the delivery room and completely invested in my child and my work after I return from maternity leave. I hope with my pre-conceived ideas I'm ahead of the curve; I won't leave the game too early. 

Then, there's another thing, mentoring. I learned a lot about my beliefs and perceptions on mentoring when I read Beaudine's book. But, then I learned even more about myself as I read "Lean In." I do not know that I've ever walked person to person asking, "Will you be my mentor?" But, I have invested myself in others and them in me. Those are some of my most powerful mentor relationships. At different points during my work day and personal time, if ever I'm doubting myself or don't have an instant reply, there's usually a voice in the back of mind. It's the voice of a mentor asking a key question or reiterating a key teaching point they previously made; those 'voices' lead me through my decision making. As Sandberg mentions, peer mentors are equally as important as vetran mentors. Some of my greatest sources of support, guidance and teaching are my peers. We have an equivalent or semi-equivalent title, we have almost the same number of years of experience, and we have great wisdom to share with one another. Also, as much as I want others to invest in me as a mentor, I want to give back and invest in others as a mentor. It's a cycle that should never be broken. There is no question - it's a give and take; you cannot function successfully without one or the other. 

As I go forward each day, I hope I remember to lean in. And, in every situation I encounter, I hope I can remember that my personality and ambition in and of themselves directly challenge societal norms. I will face challenges and scrutiny everyday put in place by myself and others because of my gender, but only be leaning in and confronting those that discredit me and my approach because I'm a woman will I succeed. 

Follow an example. Lead by example. Be an example.